Social-reject

minutes+hours+days+weeks+months= dream like years

2001-08-02T21:52:58Z

I turn 24 in less then 17 days.

My therpy starts soon.

I am having a min-twenites breakdown
I stoppped moving and how odd it is to stop moving. I just lie down now..like a board.

It has been over a month since I moved...

I can't stop thinking about the past, and how that has created what I've become. How do I cope with what Ive seen and felt?
I can't move foward.

yes I do want things to be "how they were"

I had a dream of Abdiel and Sarah and Andrew last night or early this morning. they looked so beautiful..

so I remained to lie in bed and cry..trying to cope and pull myself together.

how odd it's Adams birthday and Abdiels three year mark of leaving us.

I emailed his sister this mornig after I stopping acting like a child... it helped.

I do wonder how the others are?

giving up is easy...can I turn this all around? is the question of the day.

In two weeks Ive been in Oly for 2 years.

Have I grown? Have I learned anything?

I want my time here to be powerful... NO REGRET.

yeah I have gone in major debit.

I've drunk enough whiskey for a small army... and fell in love... then out..

Family ties aren't important in my growth..

School seems like a distance goal.. will it happen???
do I want it to happen?

I want to go back to the old life...Prehaps I'm moving to that space... remembering what it's truely like to live a life of my own..I feel as is so many people are surrounding me watching seeing what steps I take next.

I am moving out of that circle.... I am almost out.

I want to be surrounded by myself. i do miss those amazing nights alone.

all these will be solved with time...

Did Aug 2nd 1998 effect and change young lives forever.. or did it only stunt a small period of growth, which as pasted with time?

I miss you.

xoxoxox S

fag bash USA

2001-07-27T09:12:17Z

this is a great outlet for 2 in the morning and lack of food...

I havent siad the work love out loud is years...

life is out of control.. I am getting older.. and turn 24 soon.. where as it all gone???

i miss so many...

i want to start over...

i need a new focus.. i need a good BOOK....

and the empty space to fill up with other things then dirty thoughts and shit talk..and bad whisky and cokes.

is it this town.. can a town make a person so unreal..and crazy..
perhaps its me.

I need to look at the reasons why this is happening..

fuckkkk

the book isnt finished.. i only have 3 chapters done...my life what a long history lession

jared-sarah-robin-adam-awwwww-andrew-gayle-diane-
abdiel-where r they now..and where where they be in the morning.. its late I 'm losing it..

magazines cant save me....amazing art and good couches are a joke... hair styles come and go... it CHANGES. remember that steven... it all changes..it will never be like The Spring of 1998.

who remembers that????

love S

please help me with today

2001-06-05T20:48:30Z

I have so much too do...

my lists are out of control.

i need more...energy then i can find.
happy pills are a JOKE.
i dont miss those lost years ..you remember those....drinking on that damn porch...loving that smelly stray cat...baking in the sun..making books..and eating bad food...perhaps these memoires disappear when one falls away..or moves away..or stops being here with me...

I do want to go back..I ve decided..i miss it.its honest and true.i am living a lie here.......

pleaseeeeee write me...love S.xoxoxoxoox

and then i woke up

2001-05-17T22:15:37Z

i woke at 6am...went to bed at 4am...walked to work...sat here..talked to people..checked the email...went home for lunch...ate...wanted to cry...took a 15 min nap...wrote a bad poem walking to work..from lunch...

things i need to do....

take a bath..
make a mixed tape...
pack
write
eat
jerkoff (maybe)
call A
call S
pay bills
FUCKING FINSH PIC FOR ART SHOW..SHITTTTTTT
find a boy that thinks I am the raddest thing since LA gEARS
XOXOXOX

lIFE IS SO UNCERTAIN...WRITE ME!!!!!

and then i woke up

2001-05-17T22:04:26Z

blah

2001-05-10T18:31:46Z

I started watching him as he closed hhis eyes..drifting away in a sleep coma-

Its time for a change.I am moving into a new apt this weekend.- same building different unit.

I started my PT prepcook job last night.
funnnn..

ok write me...

what the best lie you told lately????

tell me promise's you swore you'd keep...

xoxoxox S

I am losing you

2001-05-09T18:27:21Z

I had a this overwelming feeling of loss and heartbreak this moringing.
I do feel my world sinking in.

new record players won't save me...

"I don't have much more time here...can I kiss you"

is distance really the answer, or perhaps fear...
he only knows the answer..

I dont get mail anymore.

I think everyone should read hoax's journal...fucking funny and smart..he'll blow you away.

another day....

2001-05-07T15:11:39Z

Dancing..kegs..bands...blah...boredom..empty promises....crashed cars...tears..broken hearts..shopping...crushing...almost holding hands...new record players...same boring records..no more phone card...bloody marys...distance...sleeping pills...this is my weekend.
fuck I've read the last 20 events, how boring do they sound..I guess it cheaper then phone sex.
where the fuck is sarah.
someone reply!!!!!!xoxoxoxox

a day in the life of a dork

2001-05-04T04:32:08Z

woke up late again...life is filled with disapointment..and shitty sleeping pills.
I don't know what to think of assholes who steal beds from me.
I am at sisterbunny's house..we like cheap beer.
The weekend is filling with shit, I can feel it coming..better then last.
blah...I need to good kick in the head...help.xoxoxox S

a road trip..searching for lost love...

2001-04-10T23:06:57Z

I sit here again..writing to strangers..
check out dontlookatme-she's fucking hottttt.
so the rain is trying to kill me..hey where did the sun go???
I've been busy this weekend...
party+me=BOR-ING
I am not goin to parties anymore..I mean really, how boring. there's alway one person there I hate..and the rest just talk about bull shit..I start yawning...and want to be home..read..and drinking rootbeer.
Young boys are taking over this town, if yer 20 or younger...dont talk to me.
whatever. I've found my core groups of bro's to hang with.
I've lost a few on the way..but thats the way life is.
always losing the good ones.

I am flying to Phoenix in the morning..
yes..I am taking a road trip to see Fugzi on Thurs in Phx, then driving to a small one horse town called Tuba City to see them play at a highschool on friday. I cant wait.. Robin and I will find a trashy motel and eat thier free coffee and donuts in the morning..room service i think not.
Ill be back on Sunday.
I am taking a shit load of pic. I got a new camera, med. format...yes!!!
I am getting a hair cut, and going shopping at the best thirftstores..yeah.. I cant wait to see andrew and robin.

I got a new CD AIR-Moon Safari...and the Faint..sooo good. I am missing Chicks on speed on saturday..that sucks...
whatever..

write me Ill be checking my email...

xoxooxx

2001-04-05T21:25:22Z

Livejournal is a strange thing..what a small world....
I need to leave my apt this week...I am so sappy...
The weather is begging me to come out..
I need to read more of this book..
I met 2 new friends today..
I think someone should come to Oly and hangout with me..we can watch movies..and eat food..and hold hands...

This is fucking boring...
xoxoxoox S-

xoxoxoxoxx

2001-04-05T21:23:24Z

Back from homoville

2001-04-03T21:39:32Z

OK I am back from haning out with ponyboy in homoville.
I am in a new space...I am trYing to refocus, and get my shit together on many different levels.
Yeah I just reread my last couple "Events" on this live journal...what a fool I was....no more crushes.
I am starting boxing soon. The trainer is pricey, but I think if will be a good thing, This way I'll be able to put all this fucked up energy into smashing someone up.
I not going back to school until the fall.
This break will be a needed one.
I am thinking about people that seem sooo far a way...(you know who you are)
I bought some great sad records the other day.
I think I lost my BMX...lesson...my fault.
Clifbars are taking over my life.
there a show tonight..i guess I'll go homofags unite..Myt hair is out of control...my ratt tail is too loonnggggggg.
It's hot whatever.
Goth kids are funny.
books..tell me about some good books...ummm yeah no sci-fi...
write me hate mail...I am out. bLOODY.

Az. company...and Canada days

2001-02-06T22:04:47Z

I need to update this more often.
I madeecapefromme come see me. it was fun. it was crazy and fast..and exciting.
I drove a huge monster truck across US soil.
Canada hates Mastercard..and homo's hated my Camper shoes.
I met a guy from THE East Coast.."craig" what a fool.
French bakery yummm
I found the best jacket in the WORLD!!!!!
REALLY IT WAS AMAZING. i TRIED IT ON AT Club Monoco and melted..It was white leather..short waist..hot..amazing..and only 480.00 like speedracer but hotter!...mere pennies..hehee. maybe for Valintines day.
ok so I need to work more.and do homework.
Coming soon Pic from my weekend.yes!!!
check out "escapefromme page..for pic updates.

MY CRUSH
He got back from SF on sunday. I was out of the country..so I checked my messages from a bar,..and HE CALLED! stating he was back...I called him from Canada..but reached his answering service. I left a drunkin explaintion of where i was..hmmm. I haven't spoke to him in 5 days. I bet he's bored with this PG friendship/whatever it is...fuck!
what to do...?????
I really want to make cornbread cake..and watch movies with him....maybe holdhands. he works too late!!!
I wonder if he will be my valintine?
There's a dinner party in seattle on Friday..I think Ill ask him to go.
yeah.
Teninobump is coming back for a short stay. I can't wait.
school is crazy.
I have no concept of time.
I cut my own hair last night.fucked it up.
my mind is everywhere..i need robin close by
where's Sarah been.
i hope someone write me back!

easy on the eyes

2001-02-02T09:37:10Z

I know the feeling..why do things always workout in patterns..I feel like I've lived this life already..umm 1998 spring..before death and heartbroken words..I remeber that...early mornings on the scooter diving to Starfucks...hungover..
I miss alot of things.. It makes me want to turn around and start over.. I spoke to sugarshark today..How amazing is she??? she's the best..I miss all that foolishness...I also spoke to
maybe I'll go back...and leave all this??
I love to run..you know this...
I just come home from the cushes house..he was gone in SF for a show..but his roomate cut my hair..I could feel him all around...i played with his cat.. I told his cat secrets...only peanut knows...he'll never tell
so my shitass computer like broke today and I "lost" really lost 14 pages of homework, due tonight..i cried..really I got all EMO and cried..
then went to class all scared and sick...I talked to my teacher and she was really awsome..thankyou god!!!!
i made my crush a tape for the long boring car ride to SF.. hmm I put some good stuff on it...then i went to his house at like 1230 last night and was like"umm hey here's a tape.." It was like I was stalking him, since we had dinner that night.,.\I walk into his and everytime I feel very at ease..he had cute socks on/.and his hair..ohhhh his hair...I need to bring my camera at all time when he's with me..i need a pic of him...I think he thinks I am a creep.. I dont know.. I felt him staring at me during dinner..ohh and his eyes are nice.. dark. we wear the same size pants and shoes!!!! YES!!!!
do you think he will be my V day sweet heart????
shit...he gets back on suday.. I want to watch movies at my house..and make him corndog cake..yummmyyyyyyy..

mamma knock u out

2001-02-01T19:43:44Z

SO i KNOW THE FEELING OF NEVER WANTING TO GET UP.. OR HAVING TO GO OUT..I HATE IT.
I DONT KNOW.. I can't do this again..depend on others..I want them to fill in the empty blanks in my live, past and present. I build insane thoughts in my mind..i want those things to happen..it's this on going story of a life i want..but it a game of pretend..fuck i love that game..
I am slipping again..i can see it coming..i want to brace myself for the fall, but prehaps it needs to happen..
I have plans..really i do..yeah it's a 5 year plan..But i lost it somwhere inbetween 1 brokenheart and coping with a new full one.
I am my own person..why can't I stand on my own???
What must other think when they see me???
FUCK!! I cant stick to one plan of action..I think I need pills..I've been shaking a lot lately, and think I have blood sugar problem.
I have this fear of death..it follows me everywhere...
That freaks me out..I've never wrote that before.. I mean it's true but i've never said it .
OK.. this is all foolish...

dates..yikes!!!

2001-01-30T22:51:40Z

ummm I've had 2 dates in the past week..what a sweet boy....heheheee.
umm I plan on calling him and seeing if he's into watching a movie..and making corndog cake at my place tonight...what a dreamfag!!!
ahhh..hmmm i have so much school work to do..I am crazy...insane...
I think obsessed...I am on the peak of stalking him...
he has good underware:):)
and teeth..and...and..and.. I am going to blow up!!!!!!
I wanT to go play in the snow!!!!
sooo bad...SNOWBALL FIGHT!!!
bLACK hEART PROCUS. ARE PLAYIN ON WED...YEAH!!!
OK ILL WRITE MORE LATER...
I need new music..have any ideas?

CRANK CALLER

2001-01-27T21:08:29Z

so three years ago I lived in the desert with my bestfriend..and one late night we got a crank caller..i just found this piece of paper in my desk.. I think it's funny...
"CRANK CALLER"

*69...602-842-4331...
(retard)
and foreign

this is the script we wrote out before we called the cranker back....

"Hello... this is Sargant Thomas from the U.S West Harrasing Phone call Dept.

There has been an inordinate amount of HARRASING phone calls traced to your # tonight...
..pause...hello....

Listen if this continues, you're going to be in big trouble!!!!..and INVESTIGATED by the Phoenix Police Dept....DO YOU UNDERSTAND???????
this is brought to you by sugarshark in early 98.

and then we hung upp...they never called agin...try it one day if you have crank caller at 1am...

stopping sitting by the phone..duh

2001-01-26T02:15:16Z

4 DAYS!!!!! thats how long it takes a boy to call!
You see after giving a boy your #, it takes offfiaclly 4 days for him to get it together.. and ring you.
ok here's the story...I've felt so gross all day.. and I worked.. left early..lalallaa. came home..did homework...then felt like ditching class...(didnt finish as much homework as I'd like)
so yeah fell asleep...ZZZZZZZZ. had a dream about a fish.. it tried to eat me.. i was walking downtown, and saw this huge colorful fishtank.. and went up to it to see the fishys.. and then a eel or long mean fish like that tried to bite my face off!!! and I ran away to my friend Beths house..and told her all upset what happen.. and she was like"ummm yeah eels dont live in Olympia!"
it was so feel... ok so any way.. i got up 25 min ago..and the phone rang(ive not been answering the phone, after day 2 of boy not calling..i mean whats the point!)
so i picked up the phone all sleepy voice which according to Andrew sounds "sexy" I dont think sooo.. anyway.. so a boys voice i didnt know was like this...(drum beat)dadadadadadada.
-"Um is steven there"
oh shit... oh shit..
"Speaking"
"Hi... this is - - - - -."
oh fuck oh fuck.. running to the TV.. turning it off with my foot...then walking in circles..
"Hello"..."Whats up..- say clearing my voice. I alway get freaked out that if i sound half asleep when i say heelo.. people might think i was..you know...spanking the monkey...(I WASNT)
"Nothing.. I am calling you from my break"-he says
this is hottt.. I am thinking...what do i say next..????
UMM "cool where do you work...."
Ill skip to the good part....
Crush-"What are you doing tonight?"
Me- "Well lets see... nothing! I lied..
You see i had plans to go dancing tonight in Seattle with 4 other people.. and was leaving at 930...sorry guys... my heart is calling.
"Do you want to go to Seattle with me and_____(girl) we going to go to "fomo's????
whats fomo's I am asking myself???? Play it off steven.. "Ohhh yeah sure, that would be awsome"
"great! he says...ill call you at 830ish.."
ummmm by this time i need to peee... iam walking back and forth.., looking at myself in the mirror, as if he had one on those phone where you can see the person your calling...I am fixing my bed head...."OK.. yeah.. umm talk to you at 8."
AHHHHHHH hung up the phone and did the little boycrush dance(ill teach you all later)
ok and thats it....
what do you think?????
shit now what do i wear... Robin where are you!
fuck.. ok rule One what did i wear last time i saw him????RATT shirt... ok...ummm something hotter then that....hmmmmm.. shit what do you talk about.. iam soo bad at this .. i hope he talks a lot...Is this a date??? fuck!!! I ve only been on 2 of those things...i need that dating handbook..someone send it to me!!!!!
ok wish me luck....email me.. you know who you are!!!love S

Fog and rain....no sun for this boy.

2001-01-25T19:21:42Z

I am done with this week...goodbye.Fuck it!!!
At work this morning... F.Y.I Highschool kids are brats!!!!
I have school tonight..mental health practice and Theory..then off to Seattle I go.. dance.. dance .. dance...Friday night is my crush's "punk rockkkkk cake walk"..I bet he hasn't called because he is soooo busy planning this huge event...yeah.. I mean cakes take up huge amounts of time and energy...ummm yeah.
I better go do homework...later dudessss.
I am so broke.. i need to go to the food bank today!! no time!!!
that 70's show was a re-run!!!!!

Burn-out

2001-01-24T21:27:17Z

woke up at 11:30am...
went across the street to get a cup of coffee..
I didnt go into work today..I have so much to do, and to think about.....hmmmmm
school work is the largest item on my list...I am tring to start/finish a writing project.
I am reading a new book today.."Close to the knives"- A memoir by David Wojnarowicz.
It's heavy/depressing.. prefect for tyhis weather.
On friday there a punk rock cake walk... I think ill make a fruit cake..heheheee
The Rachels are playing as i type this... Why do people read this..it's such crap...
-Day three since I gave my crush my #...shit I think this is a sign...I am a dork..I feel very transparent.. and boring..(instead i sit in my house, in my underware, windows closed and phone turned off).Perhaps if i was playing music, then maybe he would call..yeah this would give him reason to call..you know to "jam"- No I hope he's not that...fake..it doesnt really matter, stepping back looking at this life in this town.. will i remeber who he is.. or the # on my apt door.. or that band or that one time _____
said or did a certain thing???..with time, my time here will fade away...
memory desolves...i move on.

-Adolescence misled me, youth swept me away, but old age set me right, and taught me by experience that truth I had read long before: that adolescence and pleasure are vain; or rather, it was the Creator of all ages and times that set me right.- Petrarch.

Another day another dying crush

2001-01-23T21:48:49Z

yep..It's over.. all feelings for anyone.. really it is.. over, done with...I am making a magazine..
it's a upper scale form of a zine..i like the word magazine.. I started it last night at 2am.. yeah watch out INDEX!!!! Hey ! where is my new INDEX???
My hair is so awsome and big today..like Elvis.. or that guy from the Smiths..
We should start a book club on this thing.. a book club journal.. god I am a geek.
I started to write in these letter journals i made for the coolest girl ever..she writes in them then sends my the whole journal to me.. and i start off where she ends..I am slacking..(sorry)
My best friend just moved back to Az..ahh the desert...i miss it at times..
I want to start a band..I think I ll go work on that now...love S
nexr plan.. stalking journal...COMING SOON.
check out:
pubertystrike.com
email that fool!!!

runaway with me..

2001-01-22T22:54:08Z

I want to runaway..I am too old.. and know one would care...(poor me)
I need to find some more fags to hang out with, then we can form a gang not just any old fag i want out of control punk as fuck fags to stomp all over this town.. I want to create things and tear things down..run around at night until we are out of energy and then go make good food.. and watch bad TV..and love each other so intense that you are able to sit in a room in silence knowing what each other is thinking.. share books.. and be the center of their art and them the center of mine...one day.
I think everyone on this thing should run out and buy The Gossip's new CD.. Killrockstars site, plus thier coming to a town near you... dont miss out of the best show of your life. Playing some shows with the White Strips on the East coast... Dont miss out..yeah do it!!!! and check out another hot band called Delta Dart on Teninobumps page.. email amber for tour and demo info...
i cut my hair last night..i fucked it up...my RATT tail is getting out of control...
holy smoke.. i need to go pee....
I am listening to Television as I speak
OK so a friend told me today that if you give a crush your # the crooect amount of time for a responds is 7 days...true or untrue?

sex all night

2001-01-22T19:04:40Z

yeah so this weekend was busy.. I had 3 hot dates..yeah and they were all Prada models..yeah and I am getting married to all three of them...
yeah...
NOT.
A group of local kids and I went roller skating last night...(i fucking rock)
then we went to see The Gossip Play..we danced until the cops showed up...i woke up late...i need food...hmmm I gave my crush my phone number..whats the rule three days????

missing everyone

2001-01-20T22:30:38Z

Saturday afternoon..I don't think it's ever going to stop raining..last night was all about see old and new crushes..this town is so beautiful, yet so evil.
I think I am going to move to the woods..far away..S